Chopped Championship 2010

Three teams.
Two courses.
But only one team could win our 2010 Chopped Championship.

Yesterday we outfitted our kitchen with three separate cooking stations, complete with mixers, knives, bowls, etc. The teams were ready, each hoping to make an impression on our guest judges, John and Shauna Gillespie. And make an impression we did.

Team One:
Our British hopeful and seasoned trifle maker, John Brogden, and the fearless Brittany Birnel. (You would have to be fearless in order to cast your lot with a foreigner who you'd only just met).
Team Two:
Lauren Gillespie and Ryan Birnel (Brittany laughed when she heard Ryan was invited to participate, but before my doubts could sink in he looked me square in the eye and said, "Don't worry. I win at everything I do." This may have been more of a worldview than a cold hard fact, but none the less, I was sold. That sort of cockiness goes a long way in my book, and I instantly knew this was the team mate for me! And a good thing Ryan said that, because he inspired a competitive spirit in our last minute contenders who might otherwise have watched the competition from the couch.
Team Three:
Jeremy Gillespie and Karen Brogden, two individuals who have logged a combined fifteen minutes cooking in the kitchen in their entire lives.

Round One: The Appetizer Course
When the timer started for the appetizer round each team ripped open their bag to inspect the four secret ingredients that had to be included in their dish: jalapeno peppers, garlic, bacon and asparagus.

The cooking part was a blast, up until Jeremy poured boiling soup into the blender and it exploded all over him and the kitchen. Naturally he was manly about the burn wounds and so we all pressed on, stepping carefully across the slick, soupy floor.

The next bleak moment came when Ryan and I put our southwestern quiche into the oven with only three minutes left on the clock. Twenty minutes goes by fast, and we can assure you that although Ryan's homemade quiche crust was lovely, three minutes is not enough time to cook eggs. Hence the "gloppy quiche" as the judges coined our dish.

The other two teams fared only slightly better...well, okay fine, their dishes were actually cooked all the way. John and Brittany served the judges a "jalapeno inferno" (herbed cream cheese spread on a jalapeno and wrapped in bacon), and Jeremy and Karen served what we quipped was "bacon and milk" soup. Joking aside, they showed up after twenty minutes with a creamy asparagus and bacon soup, with garlic toast on the side. Let me repeat. Jeremy and Karen. Made a homemade soup. And garlic toast. The presentation was terrible, but it tasted good. And that's when I realized Jeremy has been taking me for a ride all these years with his "I don't really cook" line. But that's a different blog entry.

Lest Ryan and I throw temper tantrums over the injustice of our wobbly quiche, everyone decided that we would let the amateur mistake pass and keep all three teams in the running for round two, instead of chopping someone on the spot. Since we were probably the most aggressively competive team, this seemed like a good solution. Although everyone present understood that had it been another team serving uncooked food, I would have insisted they be chopped on the spot. But that's okay, really. I've grown comfortable living my life within the complexity of these types of double standards.

Round Two: The Dessert Course

The secret ingredients were fresh plums, cinnamon, almonds and graham crackers. My kitchen has never smelled so delicious. But before you romanticize the image too much, keep in mind our four families had a combined number of nine kids under the age of six running/crawling around my house while this competition was taking place. Our two trusty judges were frantically trying to console the three infants and capture video footage on camera, so it wasn't exactly idyllic.

We emerged at the end of the thirty minute dessert round with three pretty magnificent concoctions. Jeremy and Karen served an apple and plum crumble in heart shaped ramekins, with a side of chocolate mousse. Brittany and John served parfait in wine goblets, the sides of the glasses drizzled with lines of white and dark chocolate, and the inside filled with layers of carmelized plums, vanilla ice cream, and oatmeal graham cracker crumble/crisp (the English and American teammates had a heated debate over the proper terminology). Ryan and I had a different take on a parfait, filling a ramekin with an almond graham cracker crust, a layer of dark chocolate fudge, and a orange plum ragout. We topped it with a dollop of whipped cream, which was actually a very sad and unattractive smear that we added two seconds after the timer went off. Not our proudest moment.

It's been more than twenty-four hours since the championship ended and I still have to remind myself that I lost. Ryan and I took third place behind Karen and Jeremy! John and Brittany seized the coveted first place title, which is really too bad, since there is nothing worse than a cocky Brit. John actually ordered me to change out of my sweat pants this morning before we left the house, insisting that the 2010 Chopped Champion has a reputation to uphold.

We would like to thank our judges for their forbearance. Shauna was enthusiastic about every dish, even the wobbly quiche, and John brought an element of comic relief, saying things like, "Um, I'm not really sure what to say about this dish. Am I supposed to comment on this?"

I think I have smiled more and laughed harder in the last two weeks than I have in years. As I stood on the curb of the Denver Airport this evening, tearfully hugging Karen, John,and little Parker, I felt like I was losing a part of myself. But I guess that's okay. They can take it with them and bring it back next time they come to visit. I think their dreary little island could use a little something to perk it up anyways, and so I'll graciously donate it to them, whatever that something was.

And it's not all sad. We're hoping to visit them in England next year. If we do, I've promised to stand up in church and thank Karen and John's ward for their support through all of the Brogden's unsavory addictions and carnal sins. And I can't wait to tour their place of employment in my white socks, sandals, and fanny pack. We've put up with John's English airs for two weeks, so let me just say that if I can make it to Gloucestershire, I'll be bringing some airs of my own.